Computer Administration Vocabulary for Computer Users

The beige box that does your work for you. That’s all you need to know.

Usually measured in nanoseconds; sometimes measured in calendar months. The general rule is shut up your complaining about response time.

Hardware

See Computer. Again, not your concern.

Software

If we want you to know, we’ll tell you about it, otherwise, leave us alone.

Network

Don’t worry about it, we’ll take care of it. Use it to send mail among your half-wit selves, and don’t think we won’t read it all. What do you think we do all the day? By the way, Butterman… shame about your mother’s Pancreas.

Data Files

The general rule is don’t use any data files and if you find any delete them before I find out about them. In fact, just stay off the computer (see Response Time).

System Crash

Don’t ever call the system manager to tell him you think the computer is down. Don’t call him to ask when it will be up again. The more you bother him, the longer it takes.

Downtime

Like I said, don’t ask.

Uptime

Be thankful for it, use it wisely, and get out of my face.

Overtime

Don’t be ridiculous.

Vacation

A time during which I don’t have to put up with your snivelling. Don’t try calling. There’s no point.

Computer Room

Keep out, you’re not invited. Don’t knock on the door — don’t even think about it. I broke the phone last time one of you jerks called me, and I’m not about to replace it. And keep your greasy fingers off the windows.

My Office

The name says it all… it’s mine; stay out.

Your Problems

The name says it all…

Deadlines

The general rule is: Deadlines are not acknowledged by me; they’re not my responsibility. Go tell someone who cares.

Maintenance

A valid reason for shutting down the system at any time.
Much more important than anything any of you bozos do.
Anything I choose to call “maintenance” is maintenance.

Software Upgrades

Far too complex for you to comprehend. If I tell you I’m upgrading the system, just be thankful. It’s for your own good, even if it does mean extensive downtime during peaks.

Electronic Mail

I delete it before it’s read, so don’t bother sending any to me.

Defaults

We like them just like they are; we chose them for a reason. Don’t mess with them; consider them mandatory.

Error Messages

I’m not interested. I’m going to kill your processes anyway, so keep them to yourself.

Killing Your Processes

Don’t ever ask why.
Beyond your control.
No warnings are given.
The highlight of my day.
If you call, it’s going to happen. No exceptions.

Passwords

I reserve the right to change them without notice at any time. I choose them, and the more you bother me, the more degrading yours will be (example: butterman: snotface).

Users

They slow down the computer.
They waste my time.
A general nuisance.
Worse than that, actually.

Software Modifications

You don’t know what you want - we’ll tell you what you want. It stays like it is. Period.

Privileges

I’ve got them, you do not need them. Enough said.

Priority

Mine is higher than yours, accept it. That’s the reason my games run faster than your lousy accounting package (see Response Time).

Terminals

Before calling me with a terminal problem, consider this:

Are you prepared to do without one for weeks?
Do you really want your processes killed?
Did you just trip over the cord again?
Of course you did.

Disk Space

I set the quotas, you live with them. If you need more space, check Data Files.

Operator

I hired him and I trained him. He does what I tell him. Usually armed; always dangerous.

Backups

A good idea if I gave a sh!t, which of course I don’t.

Lunch

The only time that calling my office won’t result in the killing of your process.

Data Security

That’s your problem. I’m certainly not going to lose any sleep over it. My files are locked up tight. I feel secure.

Jiffy

Length of time it takes me to resolve your problem by killing your process.

Eternity

Length of time it takes me to give a sh!t about any problems that can’t be resolved by killing your process.

Impossible

It can’t be done (as far as you know).
I can’t be bothered.
You’re starting to annoy me.

Inevitable

Couldn’t have been avoided.
Not my fault (as far as you know).
The result of annoying me.

Menus

If it’s not on the menu, dont’ ask for it. It’s not available. If it is on the menu, it’s probably of no use or it doesn’t work. We’re working on it (see Eternity).

Utilities

I find them quite useful, you’ll find them quite inaccessible. Besides, they’re not on your menu, are they. What did I tell you about that?

Nuisance

You.

Of course, I reserve the right to add, change, or remove anything from the above list. I’m not asking you to accept these matters without question, I’m telling you.

Sincerely,

The System Manager